As many of you know, I just completed a tour of the Middle East entertaining the troops, and now it's time to recap the trip. After being there for almost two months, I have a lot to talk about. So I'm splitting up my summary into two parts. Make sure to check back in a few days for Part 2. Also, please check out my photos as well…they'll be posted soon.

First up was Afghanistan. Before arrival we learned about Ramadan. Because the government isn't secular, we were to refrain from doing things in public while Muslims were fasting. No eating, drinking, smoking, chewing gum, or exposing arms and legs. I'm starting to think the leader of Islam is the reverend from Footloose. I wonder if they know about the Kevin Bacon separation game, because depending on how loose you make the rules, some Sunnis and Shiites could make it in an unprecedented two degrees!! That's impressive enough to make sectarian peace if you ask me, but what do I know?

Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justice…we flew to Bagram in northern Afghanistan. I was in the cockpit of a C-17 trying to get the crew to discuss the military's alien cover up conspiracy. They weren't talking (most likely because they knew the black box was on), but I didn't care because the scenery was unreal. The mountains were rocky, snow-capped, and seemed to stretch forever. I could have sworn I saw bin Laden walking around, but we think it was just a goat with a dialysis machine and better hygiene.

We toured the base perimeter in Bagram, including an unpaved strip that ran mere feet away from an unswept minefield. While we gawked at the number of abandoned Soviet tanks and brave sheep, our truck hit a large rock that bounced up into the undercarriage. Not only was there a loud thud, but the truck simultaneously found a pothole, causing it to jump a bit. I don't know what the world record is for how many profanities can be belted out in 2.5 seconds, but I bet I came close to breaking it.

We did a total of 8 shows in Afghanistan, including one for a Special Forces battalion at Camp Vance in Bagram. Kind of intimidating to do comedy in front of 100 men who could each maim you with a thumbtack or a spork. As we hung out, I couldn't help but wonder which of these Special Ops would form another A-Team. All the troops there are great and made us feel like a part of the team, like when I almost got a Code Red for writing something nice on a port-a-john wall. Man, they're serious about that stuff. Libel or nothing at all, people. That's the rule.

We then flew south to Kabul where we rode in a caravan through town to our first show. Before I continue, I have to say that we never again have the right to bitch about bad drivers in America. Never. Even you, Atlanta. In fact, Atlanta is a traffic cop's wet dream compared to Kabul. Imagine an array of honking taxi cabs, family-filled station wagons, and mule-drawn vegetable carts…a who's who of vehicles guaranteed to embarrass teenagers when their parents drive them to school. Now take every traffic law ever enacted and burn it. Okay, that does sound like Atlanta, but in Kabul, there are no lanes, no signs, no lights, nothing. Our driver aggressively tried to fit in. At one point, we weaved left and cut somebody off. I'm pretty sure we got flicked off by a donkey. Isn't that remarkable? In true Darwinian form, they've adapted to their environment by growing middle fingers in their hooves. Put them in L.A. for a few years and they may learn how to fire a handgun, maybe even hold it sideways like the cool kids do.

Anyway, I was in the second of two trucks in this caravan. About midway to our destination, a cab veered in front of us and stopped. Apparently turn signals are also against the law during Ramadan. Our driver attempted to swerve, but I guess he didn't want to hit Gus the Angry Jackass on our left. So we slammed into the cab and I immediately thought that this was bad. Bomb? Ambush? Uninsured motorist? I learned later that our troops are trained to drive off when in a traffic accident (the base and the city's residents sort out payment later), but when our driver actually drove off, I wondered if it's a practice that would make its way to the US. I pictured it in effect in Atlanta and salivated. I was completely unnerved by the ordeal, especially when the gunner next to me got in ready position in case something went down.

I was elated to get inside the American base. There's no alcohol allowed, but they should have a reserve stash ready for visitors who drive over mine-sounding rocks and wreck in local traffic. I relayed the story to the troops that night while on stage, and it was the first real connection I had with a military audience when talking about the war zone. Up until that point, my jokes about the surroundings were fairly innocent, but once I tapped into a real experience, I immediately felt like we bonded. It was as if they were happy to finally listen to someone who knows the on-the-edge drama they live with on a daily basis.

We met plenty of terrific people in country there, and we had an incredible time. I then had 12 days before the second stretch of the tour. I opted to tool around Europe rather than fly back and forth to New York. My time in Europe will be summarized in a future column, but here's a teaser: An American Dork in London.

The second tour was for the Navy in the Persian Gulf region. Four of us went to Bahrain, Qatar, UAE, Djibouti, Kuwait, and the aircraft carrier USS Enterprise.

Here's some geography trivia…Djibouti, in the horn of Africa, is only 12.5 miles away from the sun. Not only was it miserably hot, but everything was a warning with ominous undertones. Don't drink the tap water, take malaria pills, turn your boots upside down at night so spiders don't get in them. Basically, Djibouti is Fear Factor for germ-a-phobes. I was waiting for Joe Rogan to pop out of a tent with a glass of yellow water and a bag of mosquitoes. The list of warnings was then topped off with, "Oh, and don't screw any natives." Really? Is that necessary? Comics are slated to visit in 3-day intervals. Has any one of them ever been tempted enough to warrant a warning for future guests? "Holy crap, it's hot! It's got to be 150 degrees….Man, I gotta get laid! See you later, fellas."

Many of you know me well, and you know that I can be neurotic about not getting sick. The threats of West Nile and E Coli are enough to make me lose sleep sometimes. Hearing about malaria and water-borne bacteria made me want a bubble to live in. I never expected to hear about all the unforeseen danger. At this point I wouldn't have been surprised if they told us we shouldn't feed the locals after midnight or get them wet because they'll multiply. Thinking about all of it really creeped me out the first day.

My fears subsided after a while and we had a great time. Oven-broiling hot, but great. One day, we left the base to visit cheetahs in the sanctuary and a group of eight-year-old kids at an orphanage. Just so you know, I'm much slower than both. We played soccer with the orphans for over an hour, which is 55 minutes more time than I've ever devoted to the sport in any fashion. Having barefooted third-graders run circles around me didn't exactly sell me on becoming a fan. Thinking they only spoke French, I didn't think it was a big deal to curse whenever I complained about the heat, or my asthma, or whenever it looked like a flying bug was coming for me. Won't the orphanage nuns be surprised at the impromptu vocabulary lesson coming soon to class.

Then it was to the USS Enterprise which was operating in the Arabian Sea south of Pakistan. When I saw the tiny plane that was to take us there, I politely asked if the Enterprise could pick us up like their commercials promise. I normally don't mind flying, but this time we were to take a COD (Carrier On Delivery) plane, which is very small and sizzling. It was basically a Hot Pocket with wings. It only has two tiny windows, so it's virtually impossible to see anything outside…which means I didn't know when we were going to land on the ship. Actually, I should have known, but I was distracted by a disease-ridden grasshopper during our pre-flight briefing. That was when the pilot apparently told us a hand wave would signal we were seconds away from catching the wire on deck. Since I didn't pay attention, I simply waved back when he made the signal. I realized my mistake moments later when my nuts hit my throat.

Although that ship is about 45 years old, it's still one of the most amazing vessels ever created. We saw as much as possible, and I tried to fit in by using Top Gun lines.

"Is this your first time on an aircraft carrier?"
"Negative, Ghost rider."
"Really?"
"Okay, actually yes."
"Well welcome aboard. I bet the crew could tell you some good jokes themselves."
"Talk to me, Goose."
"Who's Goose?"
"Never leave your wingman!"

Once people began to look at me like I was crazy, I really felt like Tom Cruise. Good thing I didn't jump on a couch or preach about a religion born on the SciFi Channel.

One of the coolest moments was when we stood on the flight deck during operations, watching roaring F-18s recover (land) and take off. It was an awesome display of massive power. Our show that night was in the hangar bay just below the flight deck. Because of the ship's age, its air conditioning system isn't all that great. To offset the mugginess inside, we decided to keep the hangar doors open to let in some ocean air. In the process, however, we also let in the multi-decibel level sounds of jet engines. That's a noise that, during a comedy show, is only rivaled by annoying bachelorette parties. And if given the choice, I'd prefer to hear the jets every time.

That's it for the first half of the trek. Tune in to see if I make it back home. And will I ever get that ring to Mt. Doom? Only by reading Part 2 will you know. All joking aside, I can't say enough about the troops in Afghanistan and in the Gulf region. We often heard how their lives there were like "Groundhog Day". It was a pleasure to be a part of something different for them. I truly appreciate the hospitality and camaraderie from all of them. Thanks to them all!

If you've read this far, I appreciate it. Check back in a couple of days for the remainder of the recap. And thanks for the continued support.