The U.S. hockey team lost gold in the Olympics in what went down as the 1,000th thing more exciting than curling. It’s no surprise that Canada has better hockey players than us. What surprises me is that we’re not a permanent powerhouse in this sport. Why don’t we get a fat third grader to play goalie? We have (pardon the pun) a ton of them in this country. They would not only fill up the net, but they would take pucks to the chest like Oreos. Undefeated. Unscored upon.

As for outscoring the opposition, Tiger Woods called a press conference to announce something we already knew…that he likes having ladies play with his 8-wood. The one thing that struck me as odd out of all of this is that the Dali Lama had no idea who Tiger Woods was. Tiger is Buddhist, and the Dali Lama is the Jack Nicklaus of Buddhism. How do you not know who Tiger Woods is? What other Buddhist is more famous than Tiger Woods? Buddha isn’t as famous as Tiger Woods. Know your people, Lama. The head of Massengill knows who Bernie Madoff is, I’m sure. That’s all I’m saying.

Was Tiger really sorry for what he did? He said he was, and for now I guess we have to believe him. Although it’s a telling sign that Augusta National is using his speech to fertilize their greens.

Tiger will certainly pay a price for what he’s done. Sponsorship deals. Fractured marriage. Frequent toothache migraines. Is it enough? I heard one woman on TV say she thinks he should have his dong chopped off. Wow. That’s harsh. Plus, I don’t think that’s fair at all…because then he could legally play from the red tees and kill everyone by 20 strokes.

In other sports, the NFL is holding its annual combine to scout talent. Basically, footballers fresh out of college are put on display. They’re unscrupulously judged while they work out doing what they do best. So now they know what it’s like to be Kirstie Alley at a Golden Corral. It’s cruel in a lot of respects. Players can bust their asses to do their best, which is understandable. But if they excel, they run the risk of getting picked by some of the worst teams in the league who have first dibs. You’d think Tim Tebow, an outspoken religious man, would play for the Saints. But if he does really well, the powers at be could send another Christian to the Lions. Very sad.

Tebow is working hard on improving his image and status. Some say it’s because his style isn’t suitable to the NFL. But the truth is…he was given Michael Vick as a mentor and signed an endorsement deal with Toyota. Hard work ahead, Mr. Tebow.

By the way, many people bitch about the prevalence of sports in our society. They say it’s nothing but a distraction to what’s really going on in the world. To those people I say…Yeah. Exactly! Have you read a paper in the past 500 years? It’s all bad. Who couldn’t use a distraction? In fact, maybe North Korea and Iran would chill out a little if they had a few playboy golfers and juiced up baseball stars to take up mental space. Lose a little focus on what they have to live around. I say we give these countries cheeseheads. You know, like Packers fans have. Real food too, of course. But big foam distractions as well. How can you worry about political strife when you have a wedge of Swiss on your skull? You can’t!

Also, next time Iranians protest their rulers, let’s encourage one of them to streak the field. Hilarious! If it’s timed well, everyone will be laughing and forgetting their problems for five minutes.

So I say, “Long live sports.” Here’s to fat goalies, Buddhist PR teams, and giant foam fingers to dissidents! If there’s a gold medal for good ideas, I should make reservations for the podium. God bless America.

The US Olympic team won the medal count at a Winter Games for the first time since 1932. A coincidence that makes experts believe the key to Americans winning gold is a crappy economy.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates said that the Navy intends to repeal the ban on women serving aboard submarines. At least until seaports require subs to parallel park.

Students at a high school in New Mexico were surprised while watching a taped History Channel special on the 1919 Treaty of Versailles when a few seconds of porn interrupted the video. What’s even worse…a group of high school students in New Mexico now believes victory in World War I was decided by a cabana boy.

Quarterback Tim Tebow is trying to improve his stock. Not because his playing style is different, but because he just signed an endorsement deal with Toyota.

David Brandon, the CEO of Domino’s Pizza, is stepping down after 11 years to become the athletic director for his alma mater, the University of Michigan. Good news, wives of Michigan fans…football games will now be over in 30 minutes or less.

A woman in Georgia was arrested on Valentine’s Day after she allegedly burst into a Waffle House and beat her ex-boyfriend with her high-heel shoe. Police called it “aggravated battery”.
Waffle House patrons called it “Sunday”.

A number of videos have begun appearing online showing dogs howling when they hear the Law and Order theme music. So basically, now we know how dogs say, “No way they find the guy and put him on trial in only 60 minutes.”

An online drive is underway to draft John Mellencamp to run for the US Senate seat begin vacated by Indiana Senator Evan Bayh. What better way to get the youth to vote than by getting a Cougar involved?

This year, for the first time, Tufts University is allowing students applying to the school to submit videos through YouTube along with their traditional applications. The downside…if a school declines a student, instead of sending a rejection letter, they will just post the comment “You SUCK!!!!!”

The above jokes were also submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update.

Here are my thoughts, in no particular order:

I was in Knoxville the weekend before the Super Bowl. I now understand why Peyton Manning is such a student of the game. There is nothing to do in Knoxville. While attending UT, he had plenty of time to study football and study film and study playbooks and shuffle his feet and not go to class and study some more.

Pre-game orchestra rap with Jay Z and Rihanna.

Just when the NFL thought Brett Favre was their poster child for bouncing back from a beating, here comes Rihanna.

An odd combination there. Orchestra music in a rap song? You also had the Saints in the Super Bowl.  That’s not common either.  So who knows?  Maybe we’ll soon see Tiger Woods in a monogamous marriage.

The kicker for the Colts is 42 years old. Matt Stover.

42? Now we know whose dad invited The Who to the game.

How old is The Who anyway? The only way they’re connected to the Super Bowl is that they actually remember when people used Roman numerals.

The Super Bowl Shuffle is back.  Not only the dance with Jim McMahon. But also Peyton Manning’s feet. Not only did he throw a costly interception, but he also broke the top score in Dance Dance Revolution.

The Saints were America’s sentimental favorite because of the damage New Orleans suffered at the hands of Katrina.  I felt bad for the Colts.  The only team I feel worse for is whatever country plays Haiti in the World Cup.  When some guy blocks a penalty kick he’ll hear from the world, “You’re a dick!”

Tim Tebow tackled his mom in a commercial. Just when you thought that jump-pass thing he does was the most unmanly thing in his arsenal.

Congrats, New Orleans!!  I hope you party like it’s MCMXCIX.

There’s a lot of uproar these days about kids being overweight.  I agree with most people.  Kids certainly do eat poorly and don’t exercise enough.  But then I added things up.

1.  We’re at war.

2.  Technology is advancing like crazy.

You put those two things together and what do you have?  Answer:  General Steve Jobs.  Okay, maybe not, but we do face a not too distant future in which our wars will be fought with computers and remote controls.  So I say to America’s youth…stay inside, play video games.  It’s quality training.

Fine, so little Timmy can’t climb a rope in gym class.  Big deal.  He can operate a joystick and a dozen separate buttons all the while texting six of his buddies using nothing but weird abbreviation patterns.  He’s not lazy.  He’s a warrior.

I’m not the only one who sees the bigger picture.  Why do you think Army recruiters set up their tables in malls and outside arcades?  You don’t see them in parking lots outside a Gold’s Gym, do you?  That’s because exercise is becoming obsolete and unnecessary.

Then there’s text messaging.  Look, I also want to smack kids when I see them texting away in movie theatres, in restaurants, at Renaissance Fairs totally breaking character.  But now I want to buy them a beer.  I don’t care if that’s against the law because I see them for the good-hearted fighters they are.  Fact is, texting is going to win the war on terror.  LOL all you want, but hear me out.

People once thought the Navajo language was nutty.  Then what happened?  We used it to defeat the Japanese in World War II.  After Hirohito surrendered, it became kinda nutty again, but it served a huge purpose!  Ten or fifteen years from now, the same can be said about how we defeated TJHAQ (that’s text code for Those Jack Hole al Qaeda).

Think about the possibilities.  Tomorrow’s soldiers have an incredible labyrinth of complex text language to work with.  They have 26 letters, 10 digits, and about 850 derivatives of a sideways smiley face at their disposal.  Mathematically, that works out to enough lines of code to make the Mayan calendar look like a Weekly Reader. You think bin Laden is crazy now?  Just wait until he intercepts messages written by a 300-pound, 19-year-old eating Cheetos on a Lazy Boy in Phoenix.  His turban will unravel itself.

While I’m at it, the next time you see a kid with saggy pants, shake his hand.  Just make sure to shake the hand he’s not using to hold them up.  Pat him on the back.  He’s also a future war hawk.  Before technology completely takes over, we’re going to need guys like him to send a message on the ground.  You see, during the Revolutionary War, a lot of minutemen often fought with holes in their clothes and no shoes on their feet.  In the snow!  It showed the British how determined we were as a nation.  Same thing with how TJHAQ will see us in the desert.  They see a brigade of U.S. Soldiers coming at them with droopy pants, they’ll get a powerful message.  That message…America and freedom are so precious, apparently even the homeless want to fight for it.  Seriously, the Pentagon should hire me because this is brilliant strategy.

So thank you, next generation.  Tom Brokaw had it all wrong.  The WW II folks made up a fine generation indeed, but the greatest generation?  That’s you.  God, how you make me proud!  The fatter you get, the more you’re going to hate recess.  And the more you hate recess, the more you’re going to love video games.  And the last I checked, pilot-less drones required more quick thumb movements than they did push-ups and jumping jacks.

And for the love of liberty, text away.  The more the better.  Our freedom depends on it.  Just do me a huge favor…when you find Osama bin Laden, try to capture his facial expression in one of those sideways emoticon thingies.

cc:  General Steve Jobs

Andrew Young, the former aide to John Edwards, said this week that the sex tape he has of Edwards with his mistress is not for sale. Well, technically, he said there’s no money shot. So who knows?

Because groundhogs are not common to Alaska, Sarah Palin, while she was governor, signed a law making February 2^nd Marmot Day in the state. Same concept, except if a marmot sees its shadow, winter lasts just half its term.

Newly-elected Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown told Barbara Walters that he would not be where he is today if hadn’t posed nude in Cosmopolitan Magazine in 1982. Aspiring politicians take note: to get into office, you could take a poll, or you could just show one off.

A Canadian company is selling “Tail of the Tiger” golf balls, which each feature a portrait of one of his mistresses. Be careful where you play with them, however, because they could totally wreck your home.

Sarah Palin called for the resignation of President Obama’s chief of staff Rahm Emanuel after he reportedly called liberal activists “f—ing retarded” last summer. Palin said she wasn’t sure if she was more upset at the word or that she agreed with how Rahm Emanuel felt about liberal activists.

On Tuesday the groundhog Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, which means six more weeks of Republicans ridiculing Al Gore.

Officials with the Obama administration confirmed Monday that the 9/11 terror trials will no longer be held in New York City. Not because of security or business concerns, but because watching the Knicks could be considered torture.

To mark World AIDS Day, France has created the world’s largest condom, which is 120 feet tall and will be filled with helium and flown around the world. Its flight will end in China, home to the world’s largest wallet.

New York Jets coach Rex Ryan was caught on tape at the Pro-Bowl this past weekend flipping off some Miami Dolphins fans. Now available in the Jets gift shop: same old foam, different giant finger.

New Orleans Hornets point guard Chris Paul will have knee surgery.  Nice to see an NBA star that has the normal kind of joint issues.

Many players in the NFL Pro Bowl said they were upset that the game wasn’t played in Hawaii as it usually is.  But the game was in Miami, so they said it was a nice change to leave the country.

Most of the above were also submitted to Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update.