A new report reveals that some families are hiring disabled tour guides when visiting Disney theme parks to help them avoid long lines and use the handicapped entrances. Which may explain Snow White’s newest dwarf: “Douchey”.

A Georgia man is saying that he has discovered a 70 year-old copy of the official Coca-Cola recipe and he is selling it on eBay for 5 million dollars. 5 million dollars and 80 cents if you want it supersized.

Astronomers reported this week that the sun experienced its biggest and most powerful solar storm of the year. So CNN sent a camera crew there.

It was revealed this week that the NTSB is considering a new recommendation for states to lower the Blood Alcohol Level to .05. Or what law enforcement calls “one-third of a Witherspoon”.

Police in Florida are searching for a person who reprogrammed a traffic sign to read “Smoke Weed Erryday”, although they have a hunch it was the construction worker holding the parking cone bong.

Fox announced this week that it will resurrect its hit series 24 next season. They could be out of ideas, though, because this time Jack Bauer fights Nikki Minaj.

A new UN report shows that eating insects such as grasshoppers and termites can help fight obesity. Especially if by “obesity” they mean “having friends”.

Researchers in the Netherlands are developing a form of “in-vitro meat” which can be grown in a lab. So congratulations, Dutch people! Enjoy your new Arby’s!

Officials in Keene, New Hampshire are trying to stop a group called “Robin Hood and his Merry Men,” who feed change into expired parking meters, mostly because they stash the coins inside their very awkward tights.

Buffalo Bills defensive end Mario Williams has filed a lawsuit against his former fiancée demanding the return of the 785,000-dollar engagement ring he gave her. The Buffalo Bills: where getting a ring requires a lawsuit.

PETA is upset over a new online video in which New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who was speaking to a group of school children in his office, killed a spider on his desk. In the Governor’s defense, he thought it was Snooki.

A teacher in New York State has been wearing the same outfit to school everyday for the past year as a statement against bullying. Because if it’s one thing bullies respect, it’s severe OCD.

Queen Elizabeth this week began scaling back some of her royal duties and will have Prince Charles and his son William assume more of the responsibilities. Asked what exactly she’ll do, the Queen replied, “My hilarious one-liners don’t tweet themselves!”

An 83 year-old nun who entered a secure nuclear facility as part of a peace protest is facing 20 years in prison. Or if she pleads guilty, 10 hard ruler slaps to the hand.

Urban Outfitters is being accused of glamorizing prescription drug abuse by selling shot glasses that resemble pill bottles. Even worse, you should see where the mannequins wear their belts. [photo: heroin user mannequin]

New York City taxi cabs will now feature trivia games for riders that ask questions about taxis, including the impossible stumper “Seriously, what’s that smell?”

A new poll shows that Americans trust Judge Judy more than any member of the Supreme Court. To be fair, most Americans thought Judge Judy was the Supreme Court.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said this week that he recently underwent gastric lap band surgery to improve his health and that is had nothing to do with future political goals, such as running for president in 2016. In fact, he took those speculations…and promptly ate them.

A new report lists the Democratic Republic of Congo as the toughest country in the world to be a mother. The easiest country: the Democratic Republic of Margaritas.

French researchers are saying that a man is 17 percent more likely to get a woman’s phone number if he is carrying a guitar. Because in France, there’s no such thing as a subway Mariachi band.

It was reported this week that Saudi Arabian officials gave the US a written warning about Boston bombing suspect Tamerian Tsarnaev several months before the attack, prompting President Obama to appoint a new “Czar of Checking the Junk Folder”.

In an interview this week Carolyn Moss, Jason Collins’ former fiancée, said she had no idea he was gay and was surprised by his announcement. Although she was a bit suspicious that he was always “studying game tapes” at the same time Glee was on.

A woman in Georgia was arrested after she was caught stealing a Bible from a book store. Because apparently she doesn’t know anyone who works at a hotel.

It was announced this week that next year Broadway will feature a musical version of the movie Rocky. Or as husbands everywhere call it: “Payback for Cats”.

A specific spinning class at New York’s Soul Cycle has become the most popular class at the sports center after it was revealed that is the class Jake Gyllenhaal always attends. The least popular class…Hot Yoga with Anthony Wiener.

A new study shows that men who sleep poorly have a lower sperm count. Funny, since they’re the ones who have a lot less to worry about.

A new controversial study suggests that some children’s brains are just hard-wired to not be good at math. While other children are just simply bad tippers.

It was revealed this week that Google Glass, which is capable of transcribing spoken words into text, will censor any obscenities a user says, an announcement that was made when Samuel Jackson’s memoirs were suddenly cut in half.

Investigators are saying that about a month before the Boston bombings Dzhokhar Tsarnaev allegedly told one of his college friends that he knew how to make a bomb. It wasn’t believable, though, because his was the worst apple core bong ever.

According to a new study more than 4400 children are injured every year on the country’s amusement park rides. But parents say the risk is still way better than spending a day at Chuck E. Cheese.

A prop phaser rifle once used by Captain Kirk on the original Star Trek series was auctioned for more than 230,000 dollars. Or as the buyer called it, “half a million weekly allowances”.

Mattel is being criticized as racist for a new Barbie doll called “Mexico Barbie,” which comes with a Chihuahua and a passport. Even more troubling, Mexico Ken is called “The Mule”.

Target has been forced to rename one of its sandals after it was discovered that its name “Orina,” means “urine” in Spanish. Meanwhile, Wal-Mart will keep the name for its sandals: “Dos Crappos”.

A Japanese man has invented a coat that he says helps fight loneliness by allowing the user to tighten its belt so they feel like they are being hugged. It’s specially designed for people who have no idea what a hug feels like.

A woman in Tennessee was arrested after she allegedly performed a sex act on a man in exchange for a better deal on a car she was buying from him. Even more disturbing, the judge set bail at $1,000 “or best offer”.

A Florida man was arrested after he allegedly exposed himself at a Burger King then defecated on the sidewalk. Which explains why the slogan “Have it Your Way” now comes with an asterisk.

The United States Postal Service this week said that it would delay its plans to stop Saturday mail delivery. After all, if the Postal Service does one thing well, it’s delaying stuff.

A five year-old Ohio boy was sent home from kindergarten because school officials thought his Mohawk haircut was distracting to other students. Ohio: where schools would rather suspend a student than give him a hat.

According to researchers, one of the first recorded uses of the phrase “O.M.G.” was in a 1917 wartime letter to Winston Churchill, whose reply, as expected, became the origin of “WTF”.

A new website has launched called “Chargerback” which helps people who have left items at hotels get them back. But if you visit Las Vegas, keep in mind the website cannot retrieve your dignity.

Philadelphia on Monday used clowns and mimes to silently scold drivers who were texting while driving. As expected, Philadelphia drivers responded with their own silent hand gesture.

As an April Fools Day prank, Lindsay Lohan on Monday tweeted, “It’s official. Pregnant…”. Because the prank would have been way too obvious if she said “sober”.

Hundreds of New York City fast food workers on Thursday walked off the job to protest low wages. They didn’t want to strike, but after making their demands last week, they got home and realized their order was way messed up.

For the first time since 1972, Louisville Slugger has changed how they produce their wooden baseball bats, which will provide a different sound during games. Except when they’re used by the Chicago Cubs, in which case you’ll still hear a loud whiffing sound.

The Associated Press announced this week that it will no longer use the term “illegal immigrant”, except maybe in print media where nobody will see it.

The city council of Nelson, Georgia voted unanimously Monday to make gun ownership in the town mandatory. They said the new law should make the devil think twice before he goes back to Georgia, looking for a soul to steal.

This week marked the 500th anniversary of Ponce de Leon discovering Florida. Florida residents celebrated by telling their personal accounts of that voyage.