Some NBA stories, however, are harder to ignore than a four-step travel.

Take, for instance, Mikhail Prokhorov. He’s the majority owner of the New Jersey Nets, which many consider to be the Khloe Kardashian of the league….a team that makes a lot of money, but nobody’s sure if they really belong in the family. Not only that, but Mr. Prokhorov, a billionaire of WTF proportions, is running for President of Russia!!!

Prokhorov (pronounced like Sean Connery is saying “Poppycock”) made his money in the precious metals market. Of course almost everything in Russia is precious, from gold and oil to brides and free speech. Regardless, he could soon run a country the size of Charles Barkley’s “before” photo. Quite impressive!

We’re certainly no strangers to sports figures in politics. Nebraska coach Tom Osborne, boxing champ Manny Pacquiao, Running Man Arnold Schwarzenegger. It’s completely logical. After dealing with rabid opponents and manic egos, pro athletes are practically trained to either run for office or host “The Bachelor”.

We even have political titles in the sports landscape. Sacramento “Kings”, The “President’s” Cup, free agent “Prince” Fielder. Not to mention political controversies like conference expansion (imperialism) and watching the New York Mets (legalized torture).

Therefore, not only do I wish Mr. Poppycock the best, but I think it’s silly that we don’t have sports figures running for the Oval Office here in the U.S. of A., for a large variety of reasons.

For example:

Paul Allen, owner of the Seattle Seahawks. He also co-created Microsoft. Therefore, important presidential orders would be met with a cartoon paperclip asking “Looks like you’re invading Iran. Are you sure?” Rash decisions would be a thing of the past, at least until he converts to Mac.

That Jets fan who wears the Fireman hat. He spells J-E-T-S and gets 80,000 people to do it with him for three long, agonizing hours. Anyone who gets in character to lead a Sesame Street cheer probably can’t run a country, but he could surely get kids interested in world affairs. Besides, anyone who can get that excited watching the Jets has to be crazy about stuff like tax reform.

Tim Tebow. Okay…I know, I know. Separation of church and state. Blah blah blah. But regardless of your opinion of him, he got things done with below-average ability. It’s like he’s already writing his resume for Congress.

The announcer from Telemundo. That guy could make C-Span sound exciting. “The Yays have it!! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!”

Dick Vitale. Sure, he’s more annoying than cheerleaders spelling out “Be Aggressive”, but admit it….if he calls everyone “Baby”, that can only lead to peace. (Unless other leaders locate the remote control’s mute button like the rest of us.)

John Madden. He keeps it simple, makes his point through diagrams, and says “Boom” a lot. The world could use a guy like that to effectively explain the Middle East crisis.

Rex Grossman, quarterback of the Washington Redskins. An odd choice, I admit. But when the season started, he predicted the Redskins would win the NFC East. Anyone that nuts will no doubt have an idea of how to read Kim Jong Un, and that’s good for something.

Those guys who eat hot dogs real fast. For once, politicians can make us just as nauseated as usual, but do it in record time!!

The list could go on and on. There’s got to be more examples. Who should be added? Add your suggestion and pass along to friends.

Poppycock 2012!

According to a new report from the Centers for Disease Control, for the first time in 45 years, homicide is no longer among the top 15 leading causes of death in the US. It’s great news, but most agree: we need a playoff system.

Newt Gingrich on Monday was forced to cancel an appearance at his New Hampshire campaign headquarters after protesters swarmed the entrance. Causing him to finally admit that no, sometimes he can’t fit through the door.

A new study shows that nicotine patches can help improve memory of senior citizens. Especially when they can’t remember where they put their cigarettes.

A new report shows that sales in the underwear industry have fallen in the past year. Most upset about the news: pants.

Hostess, the maker of Twinkies and Ring Dings, announced on Wednesday that it is filing for bankruptcy. Their new business strategy: more Ho-Hos, but even more Pimp-Pimps.

Governor Rick Perry finished last in the New Hampshire primary with only 1 percent of the vote. Finishing just above him with 2%: milk.

After his strong second place finish in the New Hampshire primary on Tuesday, Ron Paul greeted supporters by walking out on stage to the Darth Vader theme from Star Wars. Wow, he even gets his music from a galaxy far, far away.

A pub in England has started selling a special beer designed for dogs. Because the only thing better than licking yourself is licking yourself with a chaser.

Florida police arrested a woman who allegedly hit a man on the head with a hammer when she got “upset with Judge Judy.” Even crazier: they were watching Piers Morgan.

According to a new report from the TSA, last year airport security caught an average of 4 people a day trying to take guns onto planes. Even more frightening: it was always the same family from Texas.

A new report says that people should not drink alcohol at least two days a week. The good news for drinkers…they never said which days!

Newt Gingrich announced Monday that he has received the endorsement of Todd Palin, Sarah Palin’s husband. Which is like saying your marriage history is endorsed by the Kardashians.

According to a new study nicotine gum and patches have no long term benefits in helping people to quit smoking. Experts still say the best way to quit is to hang around people who constantly ask to bum a cigarette.

A man in Iran, who had a tattoo placed on his penis, is now stuck with a semi-erection. But the really bizarre part, it’s always pointed towards Mecca.

Jim Bob Duggar, the father of the 19 member family from the TLC reality show, endorses Rick Santorum for President. That’s unless Santorum does something Duggar has never considered and pulls out.

Herman Cain said this week that if a Republican wins the Presidency he would consider being Secretary of Defense. In response, the candidates said they would consider asking Herman Cain to not hold his breath.

NBC this week launched a new 24 hour sports network called NBC Sports. NBC said it got the idea after fans kept watching The Biggest Loser expecting to see the New York Mets.

While campaigning in Iowa, Rick Santorum has received a lot of attention for the sleeveless, V-neck sweater vests he always wears. And by attention, we mean wedgies.

Kirstie Alley on New Year’s Day launched a “100 Days of Dance” program, in which she will encourage people to dance for 100 consecutive days to lose weight. So you may want to move out til April if you live in the apartment below.

A new brothel is being opened in Nevada in which people can have sex with prostitutes dressed up as science fiction characters. It’s perfect for sci-fi fans who want to have sex, and for prostitutes who want them to finish in warp speed.

In an effort to improve fans’ experiences at the New Jersey Nets new Brooklyn arena, the owners have hired Walt Disney personnel to give Nets employees the same training given to Magic Kingdom employees. It will be the first time ever that a news release will feature the words “New Jersey” and “The Happiest Place on Earth”.

A group of new studies suggest that people who keep their New Year’s Resolutions to themselves are more likely to keep them. Read this and other facts in the new book “Nobody Cares About Your Diet Plans”.

An ape at a reserve in Iowa has learned how to light a fire and cook hamburgers. Even more creepy: every ten minutes he asks his son to fetch him another beer.

Steelers were fighting through a ton of injuries on Sunday. Ben Roethlisberger was limping so much, he looked like Nancy Kerrigan in cleats.

The Steelers locker room was one ticked off jock away from automatically summoning a Kardashian.

The Falcons only scored 2 points. They tried to score more points but failed miserably. They’re the Rick Perrys of the NFL.

Next week will feature New Orleans vs San Francisco. Or as Pat Robertson calls it…Sodom vs Gomorrah.

For example, Kim Jong Il claimed to have written six operas in a year. You promise to stop eating chocolate.

Kim claimed to sink 11 holes-in-one during a single round of golf. You promise to finish a triathlon without gasping like a grounded trout.

Each of these lines, when said out loud to friends, would be followed by laughter echoing down the halls. Halls by the way, that you never even found time to deck.

But nonetheless, it’s our nature to make goals. It’s in our DNA to want the new year to be better. So I have listed what I plan to accomplish in 2012. Some of these will be harder than finding a single person who’s not fake crying at Kim Jong Il’s funeral. But I don’t care. I’m ready to….

Compliment Southwest Airlines for their open seating policy, then convince them to rename their boarding groups to “Group A”, “Group B”, and “Group Middle Seat”.

Invent a 24-sided dreidel for Jews who love both Hanukkah and Dungeons & Dragons.

Create a dating site for the bitter and jaded called “F-harmony!”.

Write a novel entitled “The Girl with Tattoo Remorse”.

Get married. Rack up on expensive gifts. Get divorced. Write thank you note to the Kardashians.

Go sky diving, go Rocky Mountain climbing, go 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu.

Join Foursquare. Become the Mayor of McDonald’s. Challenge incumbent Mayor McCheese to a debate.

Encourage churches across America to raise funds through a lottery system. They collect the phone numbers of everyone in the congregation, then randomly call one during each Sunday service. If that person still has his phone on and it rings, that person’s tithe just went up to 25%.

As an homage to Judy Blume, write a book for kids with ADHD called “Are You There God? It’s … Hey, a Squirrel!”

Stop asking the pale barista down the street if Team Edward is going to a bowl game.

Stop asking Iranian cabbies the same thing about Team Jacob.

Convince states to drop Voter ID laws. Instead, require that people can only vote if they truly understand the difference between “you’re” and “your”.

Revise my TV audition resume. Stop claiming that I’m a stand-in double for the show “Hung”.

Convince readers to forward this to anyone who needs a laugh or two. Or sink 11 holes in one. Whichever comes first.

Obama 2012 campaign is being criticized for asking contributors to send in the email addresses of their Republican friends. Making the President the first in history to have an account on Linked In.

Mitt Romney on Wednesday began attacking front-runner Newt Gingrich by calling him “zany.” In other words, Romney said, “I know who’s buying all those Secret Santa presents from Spencer Gifts.”

Police in Germany are searching for a man dressed as Santa Claus, who is handing out shots of Schnapps to people at a market. The APB said, “Attention all units, be on the lookout for the coolest Santa ever!”

A Rabbi in New York said he is concerned that if Tim Tebow wins the Super Bowl, Christians will go on a rampage burning mosques and attacking homosexuals. Which explains why his yarmulke is now a cheesehead.

A well-preserved tooth of a Tyrannosaurus rex was sold at auction this week for more than 56,000 dollars. The buyer was anonymous, but paid for it in all quarters under a giant pillow.

It has been rumored that after Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter has a one-night stand with a woman, he sends her home with an autographed baseball. Even more demeaning: if he regrets the evening, he also writes “E-6”.

A store in Upstate New York has brought back a popular local Christmas tradition, Eggbert, a Plexiglas egg with eyes and lips that says a child’s name when they take Christmas pictures with him. “Dear Santa, please re-read my ‘egg with life’ request. Yours truly, Jennifer Aniston.”

According to new research it only takes a person 20 seconds to decide if someone is lying. In other news, decisions on craigslist are apparently made in 19 seconds.

Time Magazine this week selected “The Protester” as their 2011 Person of the Year. In a twist of irony, all the other candidates protested the decision.