Mitt Romney on Thursday apologized for “dumb things” he did in high school, after it was reported that he would bully other students. So perhaps karma can explain that the guy who used to give wedgies now looks like he always has one.

The Avengers movie broke the record for highest grossing opening weekend ever, earning 200 million dollars. So take that, whoever they’re avenging.

It was reported Monday that the CIA recently thwarted a new plot by Al Qaeda to blow up a US airliner by using an upgraded version of the failed underwear bomb from 2009. Proving that yes, even terrorists’ wives urge their husbands to get new underwear.

A new study finds that by the year 2030, 42 percent of the population will be obese. Hard to believe that in 18 years, our country is finally going to be less obese.

In an attempt to prove that John Travolta was not in California at the time a masseur claims the actor sexually harassed him, lawyers on Wednesday presented to TMZ a receipt from a Chinese restaurant in New York. The bad news: Travolta is now being accused by General Tso.

Swimmer Michael Phelps announced this past weekend that after the London Olympics he will retire from swimming. From now on…only business suit Speedos.

A high school in Georgia has 12 sets of twins that are graduating this year. Or so says the new principal, Erwin Cross-Eyed Cavanaugh.

A Nebraska man has legally changed his name to Tyrannosaurus Rex. But his friends still call him Brontosaurus Moron.

Two Polish architects have created a house in Australia that was intentionally designed to be upside down. Polish architects: good at creativity; bad at fighting stereotypes.

According to new research, dinosaur flatulence could have put enough methane into the atmosphere to warm the planet during the Mesozoic era. Which kinda explains the strange cave art of early man blaming the dog.

Tim Tebow changed his dog’s name from Bronco to Bronx. The only religious dog that changes more is “dogma”.

A new report notes that a growing number of women are becoming top executives at the country’s largest defense companies such as Lockheed Martin and General Dynamics, officially making it Def-Con 1 at Augusta National Golf Club.

Republicans are upset with a new internet ad from the Obama campaign that questions whether Mitt Romney would have aggressively pursued and killed Osama Bin Laden like President Obama did. They say Romney would have gone after Bin Laden himself…and then promptly bored him to death.

Discovery Channel recently filmed a new special in which they crashed an empty 747 in the desert to see exactly what happens during an airline disaster. To make sure it crashed effectively, it was manned by Rick Perry’s presidential campaign.

A new report shows that boredom is the second most commonly hidden workplace emotion after anger. It should be noted that the only workers involved in this study were Secret Service agents.

The owner of a Florida motel, who is hoping to save his failing business, is turning it into the area’s first motel for nudists. His slogan is “We’ll leave a light on for…yaaah, maybe not.”

A man in Maine, who was hunting turkeys, made a bird call that was so realistic a coyote attacked him. Witnesses said the man’s turkey call needs work, but his roadrunner is perfect.

A new poll lists the New York Mets’ “Mr. Met” as the number one mascot in sports, followed by the Phillie Phanatic and the Chicago Bulls’ Benny the Bull. The worst mascot in sports: Anybody who tries to start the wave.

Florida police arrested a man after photos were discovered on his phone of him allegedly having sex with his girlfriend’s dog. Even more bizarre…it was the missionary position.

A new survey shows that a growing number of teenagers are using marijuana with 1 in 10 smoking at least 20 or more times a month. Although by the looks of things, a whole lot more have the munchies.

When I first heard about “The Hunger Games”, my initial reaction was that somebody put a hidden camera inside a Golden Corral.  I love buffets, so that’s my kind of place.  The only phrase I like better than “all you can eat” is “bottomless cup of coffee”.  Or maybe “Miss Tennessee would like to buy you a drink”.

I don’t know much about this movie.  Something about a post-apocalyptic society that stages a killing contest….with teenagers.  Classy, huh?  Basically, the Hunger Games is “The Running Man” for people who have never heard of “The Running Man”.  The high school characters fight using what comes natural to them…online bullying.  I mean archery.  Of course, archery.  You know how kids are with the bows and arrows.  It’s a perfect fit that just screams “relatable”.  I think the winner gets a life supply of other stuff kids love, like tree mulch and museum passes.

But one book-to-movie coming out is getting a ton of buzz.  Not only do they have 17 promos per half hour, but my webmaster reminds me about it like it’s an old bar tab I haven’t paid.

That’s right, The Avengers is coming.  Or The Avengers are coming.  Whatever.  When you can make millions of dollars with space villains and freak heroes, subject-verb agreement is as insignificant as the Wonder Twins.

The Avengers.  What exactly are they avenging?  Who knows?  With these street gangs nowadays, anything’s possible.  I bet the Hulk flashed the wrong hand signal at the wrong time.  (You know how green people are.)

Anyhooven, like the Hunger Games, this movie is based on a book.  Not a real book but the comic variety. You know, where authors express a character’s emotions with vibrant words like “Argh!”, “Kablammo!”, and other phrases that elicit hope that the movie script strays far from the original dialogue.

I’m still in the dark about what this movie is about. Here’s what I know for the most part…the guy from Pulp Fiction lost an eye battling snakes on a plane, so he got a job recruiting for an organization called S.H.I.E.L.D., which I believe is an acronym that only translates into binary code.

He scouts for talent and signs up-and-coming superheroes to multi-year contracts.  Some don’t make it, like Manatee Boy, the seacow wunderkind and Rook, the Norse god of competitive chess.

The heroes that do make it to the big leagues, and are thus in this film, are…

Iron Man.  His real name is Tony Stark, a billionaire playboy…like a Mitt Romney / Herman Cain monster hybrid. Stark builds a suit of iron and fights bad guys. It’s a great idea, but it would be better if he had a sidekick ironing board that squeaked annoyingly whenever he unfolds it.

Black Widow.  A super spy who fights villains hoping they’re not holding a rolled up newspaper and a can of Raid.

Thor.  Norse god of thunder. Who’s the Norse god of lightning?  You gotta wait for the prequel.

Captain America.  He’s a World War II vet who hasn’t aged, so his biggest contribution is saving the country from more social security payouts. He’s actually the result of a science experiment in which human strength is maximized.  That explains why halfway through the movie, he leaves after getting subpoenaed to the Roger Clemens trial.

The Hulk.  Already subpoenaed.

Hawkeye.  A master archer.  Because you never know when America will get attacked by the Sheriff of Nottingham.  The Avengers were able to get Hawkeye because obviously somebody’s agent couldn’t land a Hunger Games audition.

The bad guy in all of this is Loki, a super villain.

You don’t really find out what his problem is until you learn his full name is Loki Laufeyson.  Who wouldn’t be pissed off with parents like that?  Apparently he can’t take his frustrations out on his folks, so he hits the Big Apple. Because when you’re angry and need to chill, that’s the place to go…New York.  So relaxing and tranquil.  It’s really the perfect place to settle your mind.  Oh, wait…it’s not.  Maybe Loki tried to unwind, but after all the honking, slow tourists, and showers changing temperatures without warning, it’s no surprise he went nutty.

Thank God he did, because now we have this movie!  I can’t wait to see it.  And that’s as honest as Miss Tennessee wanting to buy me a drink.  Kablammo!

This Sunday is Easter. Americans plan to celebrate by frantically searching for their nest eggs.

Federal officials on Monday raided San Francisco’s Oaksterdam University, which is a medical marijuana training school, by using a Doritos truck as a Trojan Horse.

President Obama on Tuesday officially locked up the Democratic nomination, disappointing those who drew Kucinich in the office pool.

Officials in Saudi Arabia are considering letting girls play sports at school. Except golf, since they really don’t like girls driving anything.

This past weekend the first-ever divorce expo was held in New York City to help make the process of divorce easier for people. It was the perfect fit, because if anyone needs to learn how to rebound, it’s the Knicks.

A Minnesota man, whose face is covered in tattoos and legally changed his name to “The Scary Guy,” is now speaking at local schools to help stop bullying, which he described as “The second most dependable way to not get hired.”

TLC this month will start filming a new reality series called “Breaking Amish,” in which five Amish people move to New York City, and then apparently learn to breakdance.

According to a new survey Wegmans and Trader Joe’s are the nation’s favorite supermarket chains. The least favorite chain: Ed’s Pink Slime Palace.

A new law took effect in Los Angeles requiring actors in adult films to use condoms. Most upset at the decision: towel unions.

A New York City official on Tuesday defended the cleanliness of the city’s Times Square subway station saying that “you could practically eat off the floor there.” In fact, he said, that’s how street vendors flavor their hot dogs.

The Disney songwriter who created such classic numbers as “It’s a Small World After All” and “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” died this week at the age of 86. Friends expect his eulogy to be stuck in their heads for 3 more days.

Mitt Romney criticized Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum for continuing their Presidential campaigns saying that they are ignoring “the basic principles of math.” Experts said it didn’t really matter, since the last Republican President ignored the basic principles of English.

Despite only winning the Super Tuesday primary in Georgia, Newt Gingrich vowed to continue his campaign saying, “I’m the tortoise. I take it one step at a time.” No kidding, said anyone who’s ever seen Newt Gingrich.

President Obama this past weekend spoke before the American Israel Public Affairs Committee and assured Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu that “I have Israel’s back.” The bad news: Israel now owns a fleet of electric tanks.

Coors this week introduced a new iced-tea flavored version of Coors Light. It’s called iced-tea.

The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency announced Monday that it has developed a robotic Cheetah that can run at 18 MPH, which is a new record for machines with legs. In other words, there’s a new and improved Chevy Volt.

It was reported that McDonald’s is planning to rehabilitate the image of its Happy Meal as a cause of childhood obesity and instead will now focus on nutrition. As a result, the Happy Meal will now be called the “Apathy Platter”.