Unemployment benefits were finally renewed. That’s good news for anyone who gets cut from Southern Cal’s football team.

Sources say the massive spillage is finally under control. Critics, however, say that Mel Gibson isn’t done yet.

Mel Gibson’s secret recordings have been labeled by some as maniacal rants. Leading many to believe that M. Night Shyamalan asked him to do another movie.

President Obama signed a bill that will attempt to curb wasteful government spending. It marks the first time that a President has ever tried to take over nature.

The “Barefoot Bandit” who was apprehended in the Bahamas, will soon appear in a Washington court. He wants a change of venue, however, because the sign said “No shirt, no shoes, no justice”.

Sixteen people were rescued at the peak of Grand Teton in Wyoming. Apparently there’s a bank on the mountain that’s too big to fail.

A new company in Brooklyn specializes in making environmentally-friendly pet toys. Critics say nothing will change though, until lawmakers end their relationship with big catnip companies and old, chewed-up tennis shoe unions.

Football fans are once again wondering if Brett Favre will play or not. Experts agree that regardless of Favre’s decision, a simple yes-or-no question like that would only take LeBron James 30 minutes of airtime to answer.

Although sentenced to 90 days in jail, Lindsay Lohan could get out in 14. It will feel like 90, however, because the warden plans on showing her “Herbie: Fully Loaded”.

President Obama hopes to double the number of U.S. exports over the next five years. But he still objects to Arizona having that same goal.

Former hot dog eating champion Takeru Kobayashi was arrested on charges of trespassing and resisting arrest. Police say he’ll have to swallow his pride, maybe even 55 times in ten minutes.

Drug charges against Paris Hilton in South Africa were dropped. But she’s still being charged with being even more annoying than those vuvuzelas.

Britney Spears said she doesn’t want her sons in show business. Coincidentally, they said the same thing about her.

Various celebrities are posing nude in a new ad campaign for PETA. Now there are TWO definitions to the phrase, “You can really see Mel Gibson’s nuts.”

The Navy wants to use a blimp to direct oil clean up efforts. But sources close to her said Kirstie Alley isn’t interested.

Intelligence experts estimate that there are thousands of Russian spies in the U.S. And they’re all hiding in Justin Bieber’s hair.

JFK Airport was evacuated on July 4th after someone called in a bomb threat. Authorities were able to clear the terminal by telling travelers the in-flight movie on every plane would be “The Last Airbender”.

RNC Chairman Michael Steele was caught on tape saying that the war in Afghanistan is “unwinnable”. He explained later that he was talking about the Army’s chances of signing LeBron James.

A masseuse in Oregon claims that Al Gore sexually harassed her. In his defense, when Al Gore talks about “happy endings”, he’s usually referring to vote-counting in Florida.

Officials are set to upgrade Tropical Storm Alex to a hurricane. But he’ll soon be replaced if he starts talking to Rolling Stone Magazine.

The 14th Annual American Black Film Festival wrapped up on Sunday. It would have wrapped up earlier, but there were a ton of people talking while the movies were playing.

Senate confirmation hearings begin this week for Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan. Contrary to what some say, all questions about legislating from the bench have nothing to do with coaching softball.

FIFA has apologized to England and Mexico for missing calls. Not only did they miss calls, but they just kept ringing and never went to voicemail. Very unprofessional.

Ms. Magazine says the hit movie “Toy Story 3” is sexist. In their defense, Pixar wanted to end the series with “Toy Story 2”, but Barbie took forever to get ready.

The Army has announced that General Stanley McCrystal will retire. But his top advisor is Brett Favre, so who knows.

Vice President Joe Biden visited the Gulf Coast this week. He plans to help the situation by imagining the pipe is his mouth and then sticking his foot in it.

Larry King is finally retiring. He says it’s been a remarkable run and even remembers his first caller when he said, “Constantinople, you’re on the air.”

The U.S. soccer team’s Cinderella run in the World Cup finally came to an end. The clock actually struck midnight last week, but they couldn’t hear it over those African horns.

“Eclipse”, the latest installment in the “Twilight” movie series has finally hit theatres. It’s incredibly popular, because it revolves around a team of werewolves and a team of vampires fighting over the chance to sign free agent LeBron James.

Eleven people were arrested in the New York area and charged with spying for Russia. No word on how close they were to Russia, but Sarah Palin can see their lawyer from her house.

But his name is a relative term. Maybe he was St. Hilarius to some, but what if he was a prop saint? Or if he did nothing original but just constantly quoted other saints? In that case, history will surely judge him to be St. Hacky.

But maybe not. Maybe he was just a normal saint at first, doing saint things around the office, at the water cooler or the corner bar. Then his friends said, “Dude, you gotta take this on the road!” So he did.

However, very few people know about him. You never see a Cathedral of St. Hilarius. I personally think it’s because it would give the congregation a very high level of expectation. Every Sunday people would just sit there looking at the priest with their arms crossed mumbling, “This guy ain’t funny. The sign said hilarius. We should get our tithe back.”

It all remains a mystery. We have to use our imagination, like I did in the following conversation I bet St. Hilarius had on a long travel day with some guy he never met.

“Hey, buddy. I believe that’s my camel seat. See…16-B.”

“My mistake. Here you go.”

“No problemo. That’s a mighty fine coat of hair you got there. What’s your name?”

“St. Hilarius.”

“No kidding? Can you cure my corns? I mean, you are a saint, right? So you should be able to be a saint whenever, at any time, right?”

“Uh….it doesn’t quite work like that.”

“You know, guys at work think I’m hilarious. I should be a saint. You write your own miracles? You know who I like….that St. Cable Guy. He’s a hoot. What’s that line he has….I don’t care who ya are, that’s holy right thar!”

“Yeah, he’s doing okay for himself.”

“So have I seen you on any stained glass windows or late night Masses?”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“What do your parents think about you being a saint? Can you go to school for that? You know, I got a cousin who dabbles in saint stuff. Mostly writing. Can I put him in touch with you?”

“Uh…”

That’s precisely why most people have never heard of St. Hilarius, because after that moment, whenever someone asked what he did for a living, he just said “sales” like all of us comedians do.

General McCrystal has resigned as top commander in Afghanistan after making unflattering remarks about the Obama administration in Rolling Stone Magazine. In order to expedite a full troop withdrawal, the Taliban is politely asking Rolling Stone to interview all the troops.

General McCrystal said that normally he would resign by submitting his two-weeks notice, but it’s a bad precedent to set timelines.

Apple’s iPhone 4 has finally hit stores. AT & T stock immediately went up, which is the exact opposite direction of their signal.

The American who tried to hunt down Osama bin Laden said he was on a Rambo-style mission. After listening to him mumble incoherently, one thing’s for sure…he definitely likes to imitate Stallone.

An elementary school in Massachusetts is making condoms available to kids in first through sixth grade. Furthermore, in arts and crafts class, they’re knitting a quilt to remember all past victims of cooties.

Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton is in hot water for posting racy images of 17-year-old Miley Cyrus. Even more shocking, Perez has inappropriate photos of an underage celebrity whose name isn’t Justin Bieber.

Justin Bieber has been described as a “one-man Beatles”. He’s flattered by the new title, unlike Yoko Ono, who by default is now the “mayor of Cougar Town”.

After sneaking into their locker room, Lady Gaga has been ordered to stay as far away from the New York Yankees as possible. So she joined the Orioles.

After it was reported that he had been shot, rapper “The Game” said that he is very much alive and well. But only because a soccer ref astonishingly called the shot no good.

The U.S. soccer team advanced to the next round of the World Cup. Unfortunately, so did those annoying horns.

Larry King hosted a celebrity telethon to raise money for oil spill victims. In an embarrassing moment, he tried to clean the oil off of six animals until he was told it was the cast of Jersey Shore.

At Wimbledon, John Isner beat Nicolas Mahut in a match that lasted a total of 11 hours and 5 minutes. To get an idea of how long that is, right when it seemed like it would never end, BP’s Tony Hayward went to a yacht race.