Writings

Carbon Dating


July 11th, 2014

I recently got an email invitation to join OurTime.com. If you’re not familiar with OurTime.com, it’s a dating website for people aged 50 and over. There’s also one for people aged 75 and over called Plenty of Sea Turtles. It’s like Plenty of Fish if the fish swam in a loop around the mall over and over for exercise.

I think it’s fantastic that older people are dating online. Because there has to come a point when speed dating is simply out of the question. It becomes more of a “shuffle at a leisurely pace” kind of dating than speed dating.

But back to the issue at hand. Why did I get this invitation in my inbox? Apparently, the internet thinks I behave in a fashion that is characteristic of being both old and single.

I’m not sure what’s more frightening — the fact that my actions warrant an invitation to join Wrinkle Mingle, or the fact that, regardless of whether or not you pay cash for a box of wine and a jigsaw puzzle on a Friday night, Google will hear about it. Yes, even if you tell the cashier it’s “for a friend”.

The offer to join OurTime is only the beginning, I’m sure. Soon I’ll be getting ads for stuff like the Clapper and time shares in Punta Gorda.

But you know what they say…if you can’t beat ‘em, honk at them until they get in the right lane. Or join them.

After all, maybe 50+ is my demographic. Many people think I act older than my age — I love watching the History Channel, going to museums, and having exact change. Not to mention my new suspicion of technology. So why not mingle with people who have similar interests?

This will be great. Like infiltrating a hate group, only a different kind of hate. More of “distrust” group, but that doesn’t have the same ring to it. The name actually does sound revolutionary. “Our Time” could be the slogan for a class of people tired of oppression, waiting for the perfect time to stage a coup…or the early bird dinner special. Whichever comes first.

I’ve only done online dating once, but I think I got the hang of it. The first rule is to post a bunch of photos from 10 years ago to make yourself look younger. In this case, I can get away with posting photos I took yesterday. The second rule is to keep your occupation vague so you have something to chat about. I will say I’m in the hotel business. It’s not a lie. I stay in a ton of hotels. Finally, don’t respond to messages right away because somehow that looks desperate, even though online dating itself already makes that statement.

None of the rules stated above make any sense, but that’s what I learned when I tried online dating last year. Maybe this time around, everyone’s mature enough and tired enough to not care. In the meantime, I have nine missing puzzle pieces to find under the couch. For a friend.

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