Writings

Topical Jokes – March 9


March 9th, 2014

Hillary Clinton this week criticized Vladimir Putin calling him a “tough guy with a thin skin” which, coincidentally, is also the title of his new picture book of shirtless selfies.

While speaking at the Conservative Political Action Conference this week Representative Paul Ryan said that there is no civil war within the Republican Party and that the internal debate is just “creative tension.” No word yet on who will give the Republican rebuttal.

The NFL is considering extending the distance for kicking an extra point to 42 yards. Said fans of the New York Jets, “What’s an extra point?”

In the first episode of the new OWN Network reality series chronicling Lindsay Lohan’s road to recovery, she is scolded by Oprah Winfrey over her behavior, specifically for taking drugs and NOT winning the Tour de France.

An Irish pub in the Bronx is planning to host what it says is the World’s Shortest St. Patrick’s Day Parade, which will be just 47 feet from one door to another, because a celebration with very little exercise is the best way to look both Irish and American.

A Russian TV news anchor is being sent to report from Crimea after she said on live TV that the country’s behavior in Ukraine was “wrong.” Said her co-anchor, “And I think our stance on Tahiti is way out of line!”

A farmer in Minnesota has created a 50 foot tall snowman that also serves as farming’s first ever ScareChild.

The City Commission in Grand Rapids, Michigan is planning to remove a 38 year-old section of the city code that states “no person shall willfully annoy another person.” “Finally!” said bachelorette parties.

While giving a blessing on Sunday, Pope Francis accidentally mixed up the Italian word “caso” with the Italian version of the F-word. He promises it’s the last time he gives a blessing while stuck in traffic.

A new study has found that one out of every three people in Tennessee uses prescription narcotic painkillers. Two out of three remain loyal to the state’s official painkiller–Jack Daniels.

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