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Writings
Heat Wave Conspiracy
August 8th, 2006
Conspiracy theories have been around this country for centuries.
- Did pilgrims really want to befriend the natives or did they just want help moving furniture off the Mayflower?
- Was Christopher Columbus funded by Spain or Halliburton?
- Was General Custer massacred as a result of his overconfidence or because he sold Amway?
- Is the government diverting our attention from an alien cover up with that Kevin Bacon six degree game?
The list could go on for miles.
Well now I have my own theory. And it’s insanely plausible, especially if you’re not sober. It deals with the heat wave tearing up the country.
Many people blame global warming. I, however, believe it’s North Korean president Kim Jong Il using his super giant eyeglasses to burn us with the sun’s rays, like we used to do with magnifying glasses and ants when we were kids. In my “topical insights” section, which you should really consider reading, I touched on that as a concern for Korea’s neighbors, but I really think that jackass is using his bifocal evil powers to go global.
. As a result, we’ll never suspect the gigantic weapon sitting right there on his face. It’s pure genius. He has more than one pair, I bet. Like Saddam and Osama are alleged to have done, he’s got doubles. And who knows how many pairs have been launched into orbit above America, slowly burning us away like plastic army men.</p>
<p>Another Hollywood tactic he employs is his name. He confuses us by using an odd name that consists of three parts, none of which can stand alone, just like M. Night Shyamalan does. Our confusion leads to false confidence. Over time, we were conditioned to trust Shyamalan only to discover time and again that he’s duping us. Kim Jong Il does the same.</p>
<p>The confusing three-names-in-one-name technique is a very effective maneuver. At the G8 Summit, President Bush wasn’t the only one who thought his microphone was off. German Chancellor Angela Merkel was overheard saying, “Hey, everybody…what do we do about Kim Jong Il? What are you calling him? Do we call him Jong? What the hell is his last name? It can’t just be Il, can it? Can we call him K.J. to the I? That would get the kids interested in international affairs. Does anyone care? Hello? Anyone? What do I need to do to get some attention around here…have someone grope me?”</p>
<p>Fortunately for Merkel, Bush said “shit” and nobody ever heard about her bewilderment. And without her questions answered, the man running North Korea remains a mystery. Are you beginning to see how brilliantly good he is at this?</p>
<p>Here’s where things get interesting. The U.S. Federal government knows what Kim Jong Shyamalan is doing. They choose, however, to do nothing because the sweltering heat is helping the economy. Let’s take New York, for example.</p>
<p>In New York, the current temperature is 6:18 AM. That’s my personal temperature gauge, measuring exactly what time the heat wakes me up in my non-air conditioned apartment. It’s a good system to use, but if I worked at a bank, I would no doubt get fired from operating the thermometer/clock outside the building.</p>
<p>Everyone is affected by the heat here, and the local news helps by updating weather forecasts and doling out advice. Like this gem… “Drink plenty of water”.</p>
<p>I’ve always laughed at that reminder because we’re humans, and although some are more dense than others (I’m looking at you, minimum-wage workers who continue to procreate), we are all wired with instinct. I have to believe that this comment isn’t heard that much… “Holy crap, I’m burning up. My mouth is so dry. It’s like my throat is growing tumbleweeds. So…anybody got any peanut butter and rubber bands I can munch on?”</p>
<p>Drinking water is indeed necessary. However, when in public in New York City, it’s impossible to use a restroom anywhere unless you’re a patron at that particular establishment. I believe government officials proposed the “Drink lots of water” campaign to force us to support local merchants. They’re basically telling us, “Either buy more stuff in order to use the facilities, or have an accident in your pants and collect change from people who now think you’re a homeless person.”</p>
<p>Malls, movie theatres, water parks…all sorts of places are raking in more money this summer thanks to people wanting to escape the scorching elements. The economy is looking good, at least not as bad as it would be under normal weather conditions. And it’s all because our leaders won’t do anything about Kim Jong DJ Jazzy Il and his Harry Caray laser producing glasses that hover in our atmosphere.</p>
<p>Call me crazy all you want, people. But I have to buy another cup of iced tea just so I can use the Starbucks restroom right now. And when they thank me for my order, I hope they know they’re thanking North Korea in the process.</p>
<p>Happy sweating.</p>
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