Writings

Now that the Pope has resigned, the papal conclave will soon meet to ask the Holy Spirit for guidance on choosing a successor. It’s like when other groups pray hard for a new leader, only this time it isn’t headed by John Boehner.

The owner of a pizza shop in Virginia is showing his support for gun owners by offering them a 15 percent discount if they bring in their guns. 100 percent if they point one at him.

A woman in Nepal set a new world record by climbing Mount Everest twice within a one week time. Even more remarkable, it was the first time the mountain was scaled by someone with Alzheimer’s.

New research shows that male newts release such powerful pheromones that female newts react as if they are drugged and will mate with any male around them. Which explains their new classification: “Amphibious JerseyShoricus”.

A new study shows that the wealth gap between black and white Americans has tripled in the last 25 years. They are still researching what the gap is outside the NBA.

A new report shows that 55 percent of people who see movies in 3D report getting headaches or feeling nauseous. Which may explain what Kristen Stewart was doing before the Oscars. (This is way funnier if I could post a photo of her. She looked like she was auditioning for a new Twilight movie about zombies.)

Millionaire Dennis Tito on Wednesday announced plans for a 500 day long mission that would send a married couple on a round trip space flight to Mars. It should only take 300 days, but it’s assumed that “somebody won’t stop and ask for directions”.

Reality TV star Honey Boo Boo is now selling boxes of Girl Scout Cookies on her Facebook page. Either that or she’s taping her own personal episode of Doomsday Preppers.

A man in Portland, Maine, who was charged with disorderly conduct for whistling loudly, has reached a deal in which he can keep whistling as long as he does not remain in one spot. Making Portland home to a group of very confused cab drivers.

IKEA this week assured shoppers in the US that despite the news in Europe, the meatballs sold in American stores are not only free of horsemeat but also make adequate replacement parts.

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